Return to Civility

Return to Civility

In this era of political grandstanding, finger-pointing, and name-calling it is well past time to stop, step back, and take a deep breath.  It is time to work together.  It is time, regardless of where we are and what we are doing, to return to civility and respectful dialogue.  I suggest the following steps we can all take to that end.

Examine your own motives.

As you engage in a discussion with a person with whom you have a disagreement, ask yourself which is more important: Do you want to win or do you want to discover truth and workable solutions to vexing problems?  If you simply want to win, disregard the following and have at it.  If by chance truth and solutions are your motivations, be gracious. 

Examine your behaviors.

Body language speaks as loudly as your voice and maybe even louder.  If you are not listening to the other person in the exchange of ideas, it will become obvious.  Be attentive.  Listen carefully.  Listen to learn, not to respond.  Be thoughtful and considerate.  Relax.  Don’t get your knickers in a twist.  Keep your speech even and calm.  Do not use profanity. 

Seek first to understand.

You already understand your position.  At least you think you do.  Listen to everything the other person has to say, paying attention also to that person’s body language.  Attempt to see the problem through the other person’s eyes and life’s experiences.  When the other person has finished speaking, repeat back in your own words the content of that person’s position and its contextual emotion.  It is important to understand the emotional impact that decisions have on others.  Make sure you understand those impacts.  Listen carefully for feedback from the other person to make sure that you have identified all the key points in that person’s position.  Welcome correction and feedback.  Listen for the underlying reasons and emotions for the other person’s position.

Respect the person.

Because you disagree with a person’s position does not mean you have to be disagreeable with the person.  Don’t interrupt the person.  Don’t sneer or make snide remarks.  Avoid gestures of disgust and contempt.  Don’t roll your eyes and don’t exhale in exasperation.  Wait to speak a few seconds after the other person has finished to speak or ask questions.  Be sure to take a few breaths to clear your thoughts before you speak.

Rely on facts.

When presenting your position rely upon facts and not opinions and emotions.  Make sure that your facts are relevant to your discussion.  Don’t fabricate data.  By the same token, ask the other person to also rely on fact and not conjecture, opinion, or hearsay. 

Present your position before you point out differences.

Make sure that as you present you position that your focus is on your position and not the other person’s position.  Save discussion on differences until after both positions have been presented.

Look for other options.

As you engaged in your discussion, ask the other person if there might be a third or other alternative positions and solutions.  Seek to work together rather than working against each other.

Find common ground.

It will be helpful in your discussions to search for common ground in identifying the problem and solutions.  Write them down so both of you can see them.  Ask yourselves if there is much difference between positions as you initially thought (or as your emotions allowed you to believe).

Ask for evidence.

If the other person makes a claim that seems unreasonable to you, respectfully ask for supporting evidence or documentation.  It is entirely appropriate to challenge sources that appear questionable and to provide opposing evidence - in a respectful manner. 

Ask for reciprocal respect.

Just because you choose to be respectful does not mean that the other person will return that respect.  If interrupted, allow the interruption to continue then politely state that you allowed that person to present a position without interruption and ask for the same courtesy.  If that person refuses to grant this courtesy you may choose to state that it is your opinion that the person is not interested in discovering the truth or solving the problem but only in winning and therefore you are not going to proceed.  You deserve the same respect that you’ve shown to the other person.

If the person lobs personal attacks at you and not at your position, ignore the attacks and proceed with facts.  If the personal attacks continue ask the person if there is more interest in attacking you or the facts.  If personal attacks persist, it is time to excuse yourself from the discussion.  “I’m sorry, but I do not have to listen to personal attacks.  I am here to problem-solve.  I see that you have many valid points and I believe I also have valid points to consider.  I believe together that we can work this out.  So, when you are ready to return the respect to me that I gave to you I’ll be happy to continue our discussion at another time.”

This all requires you to be respectful of the other person.