Fifteen Minutes

Fifteen Minutes

Part I, 2013

I’ve discovered that there is a way to determine where you fall on the ability scale.  To be more precise, I’ve discovered how to determine if you are average or not.

The message said that I could apply for Social Security online; that it was easy and that it took on average about 15 minutes to complete.  The message was really quite encouraging.  It covered all the hot button items that it would take to convince me that I was up to the challenge.  It could be done in the privacy of my own home.  I could do it at my leisure.  I would not have to make an appointment with an agent from Social Security to apply for benefits.  I would not have to make a trip.  I could save all that gasoline money by staying home.  By saving all that gasoline money I could save the planet from all those nasty hydrocarbons that spew out from my exhaust pipe and into the atmosphere thus creating great big holes in the ozone that allow alien monsters to come to earth and eat us up.  Well, maybe the announcement didn’t exactly say anything about alien monsters, but the implication certainly was there.

Sitting from the comfort of my padded computer chair and thinking that I had computer literacy of at least a six year-old, I figured I was up to the challenge.  After all, I have “worked” with computers for several years.  I can type or word process or whatever it is you do with a keyboard.  And!  I’ve successfully made airline reservations on the computer and printed out boarding passes—once.  I knew I was up to the task.

So, after about three months of thinking about applying for Social Security on line I took the plunge and logged into the Social Security website.  It was pretty cluttered.  I didn’t think anything could be more complicated than buying airline tickets online, but I was wrong.  But, I was brave.  I backed out of the website and started checking my e-mail.

After a few more days I returned to the Social Security website and saw that there was a video of some celebrity talking about how easy it was to apply for Social Security.  I watched it.  When it was finished and she pronounced it easy, I asked myself, “If this is so freaking easy, why did you have your husband sit with you through the process and have him answer all the application questions for you?”  I checked my e-mail again.

A few days passed and as I was sitting at my computer, logged onto the internet, I turned to my wife and said, “Sweetie?” (She always knows that when I call her Sweetie that I’m stuck and that I’m going to ask her for help.)

“Yes.”

“Sweetie, would you help me apply for Social Security online?  It should only take about 15 minutes.”

Absolutely nothing takes 15 minutes in my life.  Well, the three-minute lectures from my parents took 15 minutes.  No.  Wait.  Those were more like 30 or 40 minutes.  Never mind.  Nothing takes 15 minutes to do in my life.  The 15 minute oil change takes about 45 minutes and $75 more than the advertised price.  The 15 minute wait to be seated at the restaurant takes until the meal that I had planned on buying has sold out.  The 15 minute doctor’s office visit takes an hour and isn’t covered by insurance.  I should have known better.

The first page of the process asked for my name AS-IT-APPEARS-ON-YOUR-SOCIAL-SECURITY-CARD.  I haven’t looked at my Social Security card in years.  How the heck am I supposed to know how it appears on my card?  Let’s just say that I ate up the FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES looking for my Social Security card.  That page asks for your Social Security Number, date of birth, and gender.  I clicked male three times before it recognized that I was actually clicking the corresponding box for “MALE”.

Contact information and citizenship was fairly easy, but then we got to “Medicare Election”.  The only option you have there is to apply for Part B.  But, my previous employer isn’t going to do Part B.  We’re doing Part C.  The 15 minute clock had more than expired and so had my patience.

No, I’ve not gone by any other name (Leonard doesn’t count) nor have I used a different Social Security Number.  Married? Check.  Her number?  You must be kidding me.  “Sweetie?”  No children at home.  “Work in a job where U.S. Social Security taxes were not deducted or withheld?”  Welllllllll, as a matter of fact….

The application ended with, “If we have questions we’ll call you in the next five days.”  I know darn good and well I’m getting a phone call.  It’s been 48 hours and I’m still holding my breath.

I now know where I fall on the ability scale.  The 15 minute application process took me about an hour and-a-half (and multiple false starts over several days).  If it was only to take me 15 minutes to complete and I took me one-and-a-half hours, I must be above average.

Part II, 2015

So, the phone call came.  In fact, over the course of a week two phone calls came.  The voice on the other end said that he was Mr. Bince.  He had no first name and I really don’t believe that his last name was Bince.  “I see you worked for a period of time when you didn’t pay Social Security.”

“Uh, yes, that’s true.  I didn’t have a choice.  I worked in a county government that opted out of Social Security years after I began working for that organization.  We paid into another retirement program instead of Social Security.  I have since received all the retirement benefits from that retirement plan.”

“I see that, “Mr. Bince noted.  “We’ll have to deduct your Social Security benefit by $200 a month.”  (Actually, it was over $200 a month, but I don’t recall what the amount was after two years.)

“But my annual Social Security statement clearly shows that I have had earnings those years and that nothing was paid into Social Security, and I clearly have more than met the 40 quarter requirement to collect Social Security.  Those annual statements report that I will receive the additional $200 a month that you say I can’t have,” I pled.

“That’s right, Mr. Talley.  Your annual statement said that you would be getting the additional $200 a month.  Had you not worked during those years and still not have contributed to Social Security you would get the full amount that is shown on your annual report, but because you worked and didn’t contribute you don’t get what you were told you were getting.”

“Buh buh buh….”

“If there is nothing else, Mr. Talley you should be getting your first check next month.”

“Click.”

“Buh buh buh but….”

That was a very long 15 minutes.