Father's Day

We just experienced Father’s Day last week- another creation compliments of the Hallmark Greeting Card Company.  I guess it is supposed to mean something.  Stores promoted sales around it, preachers preached it, and cookies were baked in recognition of it.

In a way it is rather sad.  It shares celebratory acclaim with the likes of Easter and Christmas.  Both of those celebrations occur on one day out of the year and there is considerable build-up to them.  I’m not sure though that Father’s Day is at the same level as Christmas or Easter, but it sure gets it share of commercialization.

Dads have been given a bad rap over the past.  Unlike the old television days of “Father Knows Best”, dads are pretty much portrayed as bumbling idiots, capable of success only by accident.  Even Tim Allen, who always seems to come up with the right answer seems to stumble onto solutions.  I could go into some political explanation here, but I’d prefer to not stir the political pot today.  It would just add to the justification of how men, dads in particular, are incompetent.  

Christmas and Easter aside, I guess dads are supposed to feel special on that day.  I suppose those of us who were recognized for contributing to the gene pool may have felt a moment of pride when someone wished us a Happy Father’s Day, but I think for the most part dads went on like it is just another day.

Don’t get me wrong.  Though my kids are all grown up they still call and send me their best wishes on this day, and I love it.  (We talk on other days, too.)  Unlike the last 20 years, I’ve seen each of my children in the last three weeks, some of them multiple times.  I enjoy the visits with my children.  This year on Father’s Day I got to spend time with some of my grandchildren as well.  That was special for me.  Oh, and don’t forget the chocolate chip cookies.  Father’s Day this year came with nice warm chocolate chip cookies and cookie dough for future consumption.  (Hmmmm.  Consumption.  Didn’t that used to be a disease?)  It is nice to be loved by your children.

And while Father’s Day is a Hallmark creation, I think the hallmark of Father’s Day is guilt.  I have never lived up to the ideal father standard.  I won’t go into any grand explanation.  Suffice it to say that as far as dads go I’m an 80 percenter at best.  I am betting that most dads who are honest with themselves feel pretty much the same way.  I think that most of us can look back and see where we failed.  As for me, I didn’t change very many diapers.  I played catch only a few times.  I missed most of the track meets, wrestling matches, and band concerts.  I wasn’t around to help with homework.  I didn’t go to the parent-teacher conferences.  Though I started out helping with the driving lessons I think I only hit about 50% on that one.  I learned after the fact about first dates.  The deep heart-to-heart conversations only took place when they were in trouble.  Those conversations began with, “Let’s take a walk” or “Let’s go for a walk.”

Let’s take a walk.  Let me share with you the impact that statement had on my kids.  I was with one our daughters the other day with lots of people stirring around.  I just wanted some alone time with her.  I just wanted to be with her and walk around a building with her like a father and daughter.  I wanted her to know that I love her.  HER.  So, I began the invitation with, “Let’s take a walk.”  She immediately thought she was in trouble and sent up those defense antennae.  She’s been on her own for over 20 years now.  I felt like crap.

Most of our children manage to compensate for our failures and succeed in spite of our meager efforts - well, I can only speak for myself; you know, I’m talking about my failures.  My children have managed to succeed in spite of me.  They could not have done better if I had named each of my boys Sue (You know the song by Johnny Cash, “My name is Sue.  How do you do?”).  As I pondered on Father’s Day I couldn’t help but think that perhaps a name change for that day would be appropriate.  I’m thinking it should be Fathers are Proud of their Children’s Day.  We may not measure up to the ideal father, at least I don’t, but our kids certainly live up to my expectation of them.

I’m painfully aware of the fact that there are men out there who have donated their DNA to the creation of a child and that is all they have done.  They do not deserve the title of Father, or even better: Dad.  In fact, some of those men belong in prison for what they have done to their children.  I’ve met many of the fathers and tons of their offspring.  The story is the same.  Their children all believe that no one could have suffered at the hands of a father more than they have.  While their story lines are different, the tortuous outcomes are the same: mental and emotional difficulties, depression, anxiety, PTSD, guilt, shame, years of therapy, and on and on.  These fathers would have done their children a favor by abandoning them.  Enough.

I’m happy to be a father.  But, I don’t need a day of recognition to remind me of my failures as a dad.  I’m happy to have my children tell me that they love me.  I take that to mean that they love me as I am, successes and failures as a father all wrapped up together in a single package.  How about we skip Father’s Day.  Except for the chocolate chip cookies.  Those can come any day.