Park Benches

I understand why we see old men sitting alone on park benches.

There is a lot of history sitting on those benches. 

Not all of them sit on park benches feeding pigeons.  Some are alone.  Occasionally you see them sitting in pairs.  There are others like those sitting in pairs.  They sit in coffee shops or at McDonald’s occupying tables for hours and sipping their coffee, black.  Those sitting in pairs on park benches or at restaurant tables talk about the sorry state of politics, their grandkids that they see occasionally, sports scores, their last prostate exam, and whose names they recognize in the obituaries.  Mostly they talk about the past.  Like their counterparts sitting in pairs or in the coffee shops, those sitting alone think about the past.  They think about the good times.  They think about the not-so-good times and when they do, they think about the would have, could have, and should have things that they never did.

You can only sit with your buddies at the coffee shop table so long before you move on to your individual life, then you are in a solo act, like the other old men sitting alone on park benches.

But they also think of where they had been, their successes, and their triumphs.  Some think of the respect they had among peers and the need they filled.  It’s nice to be needed.  Everybody is the best at something no matter how big or insignificant it may be.  It is nice to fill a role, a gap, and to think that when you walked out a door for the last time that you left a void.  But, they know it isn’t true.  No one is irreplaceable.  Not having a place in the world, the world you lived in is hard.  Being valued for who you were and what you were is nice, but that value is worth nothing in the present.  “Thank you for your service.  It’s over now.  Please step aside.  You aren’t needed now.  Someone else has taken your place.”

The title of the book and subsequent movie was No Country for Old Men.  But, there are park benches.

Me Too Campaign

Over the past few days I’ve seen several Facebook posts that included the simple words “Me Too”, either embedded in the post or simply posted as those two words. How sad I thought, but not at all unsurprising. My own personal research shows that it is much more widespread than what we care to imagine. Even one “Me Too” is one too many. Well over half of all women have experienced sexual abuse and exploitation. Rest assured; however, that it happens to men as well.

As I said, some of the posts simply said “Me Too” while others added a few details. I think I saw the greatest pain among those who simply posted those two simple words. They are two words composed of five simple letters. They are insignificant in the eyes of the offender, yet a powerful testimony of devastated lives on one side of the equation and lives gone terribly wrong on the other side. There can be no excuse. Offenders, no matter their biology, economic background, or psychology still have choice.

One person wrote a two-page description of the continuing torment by the offender. I wanted to stand up and cheer when she wrote of stabbing her tormenter in the foot with a pencil. As she began revealing the process of pulling out her pencil and stabbing, I briefly waited to see where she stabbed him and frankly was surprised that it was his foot and not his crotch or heart. I think she showed great restraint. I think I would have gone for the heart after stabbing the guy’s groin a few times.

I studied sex crimes under the guidance of FBI Special Agent Roy Hazelwood (1938-2016). He was a leading pioneer in identifying and labeling various forms of murder and sex crimes. He called it deviant sexual behavior. He had this country boy’s head spinning after the first hour of instruction. After a week of instruction, I walked away fully armed and prepared for conducting sex crime investigations and completely repulsed by what I had learned. There were times I wanted to vomit in his class. I don’t talk much about the years that followed as they led me to investigating such atrocities in my own community and led me through a maze of sleaze and horror from coast to coast. You don’t need to know who or how.

As I left my investigative role and moved into administrative positions I focused my attention on domestic violence. The papers I had written and presented at conferences and interested groups gave me little comfort in realizing that there most likely were victims and offenders sitting side-by-side in those gatherings. Most troubling was the fact that many of those victims of domestic violence could easily say “Me Too” in addition to everything else they had suffered. How, I wondered, could any person violate such a sacred union and trust with such violent, self-serving, demeaning, degrading filthy conduct?

Those years of investigating sex crimes and speaking out against domestic violence in an official capacity are gone. That does not lessen the impact those experiences have had on my life, nor does it mean that I can rest comfortably in the false hope that things are better. They are not. And as I read your “Me Too” a little light came on. So often our past defines our present, and so it has been this week that I have been able to see your beginning from the end. “Me Too” says a lot. I may not know the exact details, but I have a fair idea. Perhaps I should say “unfair” idea.

There is another growing evil out there that is just as sickening as sexual abuse (they are criminal for a reason) and domestic violence. It is just as prevalent now in the United States as it was prior to the American Civil War and we as a nation have turned a blind eye to it. There are no racial or ethnic barriers to this ancient atrocity. Victims come in both genders, of national origins, racial and ethnic origins. It is called slavery. Its victims are scarfed up from our roads and streets along the beautiful country sides and city slums. They arrive daily, generally under cover of darkness, to our shores by the boatload. Some actually arrive to our shores alive. If you breathe at all you have seen them. If you live or work in densely populated areas you have probably seen them on a daily basis. You will find them in the smallest villages and hamlets to the largest metropolitan areas. You may well think that they are sex slaves, and they are, but they are also among the heavy lifters you see working in lawns and gardens and fields, serving in homes and even businesses, and running drugs often concealed within their bodies. They are disposable. Many come under the promise of hope and change but what they find is hell and below. Others are just snatched up and carted off. They are given enough to survive and live under constant threat of not only their death, but the execution of their entire families. To many, death is preferable to the lives they lead. And it is taken.

Too many have said “Me Too” out there. These are the things that tend to keep me awake at night. I so wish I could change the past.

Me Too Campaign

Over the past few days I’ve seen several Facebook posts that included the simple words “Me Too”, either embedded in the post or simply posted as those two words. How sad I thought, but not at all unsurprising. My own personal research shows that it is much more widespread than what we care to imagine. Even one “Me Too” is one too many. Well over half of all women have experienced sexual abuse and exploitation. Rest assured; however, that it happens to men as well.

As I said, some of the posts simply said “Me Too” while others added a few details. I think I saw the greatest pain among those who simply posted those two simple words. They are two words composed of five simple letters. They are insignificant in the eyes of the offender, yet a powerful testimony of devastated lives on one side of the equation and lives gone terribly wrong on the other side. There can be no excuse. Offenders, no matter their biology, economic background, or psychology still have choice.

One person wrote a two-page description of the continuing torment by the offender. I wanted to stand up and cheer when she wrote of stabbing her tormenter in the foot with a pencil. As she began revealing the process of pulling out her pencil and stabbing, I briefly waited to see where she stabbed him and frankly was surprised that it was his foot and not his crotch or heart. I think she showed great restraint. I think I would have gone for the heart after stabbing the guy’s groin a few times.

I studied sex crimes under the guidance of FBI Special Agent Roy Hazelwood (1938-2016). He was a leading pioneer in identifying and labeling various forms of murder and sex crimes. He called it deviant sexual behavior. He had this country boy’s head spinning after the first hour of instruction. After a week of instruction, I walked away fully armed and prepared for conducting sex crime investigations and completely repulsed by what I had learned. There were times I wanted to vomit in his class. I don’t talk much about the years that followed as they led me to investigating such atrocities in my own community and led me through a maze of sleaze and horror from coast to coast. You don’t need to know who or how.

As I left my investigative role and moved into administrative positions I focused my attention on domestic violence. The papers I had written and presented at conferences and interested groups gave me little comfort in realizing that there most likely were victims and offenders sitting side-by-side in those gatherings. Most troubling was the fact that many of those victims of domestic violence could easily say “Me Too” in addition to everything else they had suffered. How, I wondered, could any person violate such a sacred union and trust with such violent, self-serving, demeaning, degrading filthy conduct?

Those years of investigating sex crimes and speaking out against domestic violence in an official capacity are gone. That does not lessen the impact those experiences have had on my life, nor does it mean that I can rest comfortably in the false hope that things are better. They are not. And as I read your “Me Too” a little light came on. So often our past defines our present, and so it has been this week that I have been able to see your beginning from the end. “Me Too” says a lot. I may not know the exact details, but I have a fair idea. Perhaps I should say “unfair” idea.

There is another growing evil out there that is just as sickening as sexual abuse (they are criminal for a reason) and domestic violence. It is just as prevalent now in the United States as it was prior to the American Civil War and we as a nation have turned a blind eye to it. There are no racial or ethnic barriers to this ancient atrocity. Victims come in both genders, of national origins, racial and ethnic origins. It is called slavery. Its victims are scarfed up from our roads and streets along the beautiful country sides and city slums. They arrive daily, generally under cover of darkness, to our shores by the boatload. Some actually arrive to our shores alive. If you breathe at all you have seen them. If you live or work in densely populated areas you have probably seen them on a daily basis. You will find them in the smallest villages and hamlets to the largest metropolitan areas. You may well think that they are sex slaves, and they are, but they are also among the heavy lifters you see working in lawns and gardens and fields, serving in homes and even businesses, and running drugs often concealed within their bodies. They are disposable. Many come under the promise of hope and change but what they find is hell and below. Others are just snatched up and carted off. They are given enough to survive and live under constant threat of not only their death, but the execution of their entire families. To many, death is preferable to the lives they lead. And it is taken.

Too many have said “Me Too” out there. These are the things that tend to keep me awake at night. I so wish I could change the past.

Men and Mass Murders

As your resident Facebook Friends Criminologist, I would like to weigh in (with a little fear and trepidation) on the ongoing debate about guns and violence in America.  Some of you will want to rip me apart for my comments.  Get over it.  I admit up front that I don’t have all the answers, but I know a lot about mass murderers, spree killers, and serial killers.  I’ve spent years studying them.  Just ask my former students.

I want to specifically discuss the profile of the mass murderer and conclude with a suggested possible explanation for the increase of these types of killings that are taking place in America.

I.    Definitions

a.   Mass murder: the killing of two or more people at the same location by the same person or persons acting in concert at approximately the same time and is done in a violent outburst.

b.   Spree killing: the killing of two or more people at the same location by the same person or persons acting in concert within a short period of time, as in several hours or perhaps as much as three or four days, or the killing of two or more people at different locations by the same person or persons acting in concert within a short period of time, as in several hours or perhaps as much as three or four days.  Spree killings are also generally done as a violent outburst.

c.   Serial killing: the killing of multiple individuals, generally of the same background as perceived by the murderer (often prostitutes or homosexuals, but not always), by a single individual and generally over a long period of time, sometimes with as much as years between killing.  Of serial killers, there are four primary types: visionary killers, power and control killers, mission-oriented killers, and hedonistic killers

Another classification of mass murderer(s) could easily include terrorists.  Their motivation is typically political or religious-political in nature and may be state sponsored.

None of the above types of killing should be confused with thrill killing, cult killing, or gang killing.

II.    Profile of Mass Murderers

While a common profile can be identified amongst mass murderers, it is important to note that not all mass murderers will have each of the following characteristics.  So, when I say that “most” mass murderers are (fill in the blank), that is exactly what I mean.  It does not mean “all” mass murderers are (fill in the blank).  However, you can probably rest assured that if you have a mass murderer that the individual will have many of the following characteristics.

Most are:

1.     Male

2.     Single, separated, or divorced

3.     White

4.     In their 30s or 40s

5.     Purchasers of firearms through legal means

6.     Depressed, but not mentally ill nor are they out of touch with reality

7.     Frustrated with their situation and tend to blame others for their situation

8.     Socially isolated, feeling most comfortable in the company of themselves

Additionally, they may target specific people for a specific reason.  Their killing is indiscriminate in that if you happen to be among those specifically targeted the likelihood of you being killed is a good as the targeted people.  Finally, mass murderers seldom live to tell their story.  They either kill themselves or are killed by police.

III.  Tongue-in-Cheek Observation

If the object is to eliminate (or at least reduce) mass murders, instead of taking away everyone’s guns, we should eliminate all single white males between the ages of 30 and 50.

IV.  Possible Explanation for Increased Mass Murder Incidents

You have probably seen various theories for mass murders either here on Facebook or in other places.  I will not review them here.  You can seek them out on your own.  I believe there is an elephant in the room that no one really wants to acknowledge that probably plays a role in the increase number of mass murders.  That elephant in the room is the marginalization of men in society, especially white men.  This marginalization has come in the form of everything from the use of gender-neutral vocabulary to using the term “breaking the glass ceiling” to promotion of women and minorities (especially female minorities) to break that glass ceiling and parallels the civil rights movement and the women’s movement.

While there had been occasional mass murders before the women’s and civil rights movement, they were relatively unheard of.  As the women’s movement has become more militant and aggressive, many men have felt the effects of being pushed aside, ignored, and passed over.  It occurs in business and social settings alike as white males in particular become more and more isolated and excluded from their former gender roles as protector, provider, and authority.  In the move for “equal rights”, white males are feeling that others’ rights are now more equal than their own.  Such alienation of some (please, not all) white males results in their feelings of insecurity and anxiety.  This threat is especially dangerous to white supremacist groups who see minorities not only as inferiors, but now as inferiors who are gaining power.  They now have additional reason to be angry and to kill minorities.

V.    Conclusion

I would love to be able to test my hypothesis.  While I have the available time to do so, I no longer have the resources to do it.

I suppose you could question, even challenge my hypothesis.  Call me a crazy lunatic or accuse me of reaching too far, but before you accuse me of being a sexist, misogynist, racist bigot, please consider that the profile in Section II above is real.

If my hypothesis is correct, then it calls for a serious re-thinking of the role of men in society.  We have certainly made strides in equality, but perhaps it is time to work on recognizing the legitimate role of men, and not as warm touchy-feely beings, but something consistent with their traditional gender role.

Borrowing somewhat from an HBO show, the first thing we need to do in solving a problem is recognizing that we have one.  Well, “Houston (and the rest of America), we have a problem.”  I think we know that.  Now we need to be honest with ourselves and determine what the problem is and why we have it.  The fact is, and many of you will not agree with this – too bad, the fact is, confiscating guns or restricting further gun ownerships is not going to solve the problem but will merely exacerbate it.  If you think there are angry white males out there now, just try and fix it with that kind of solution.

Enough?

Protesting the Flag

Let’s get something straight here.  Kaepernick began his kneeling protest as a statement against police.  While it is nice to remember that kneeling is a sign of respect, devotion, humility, and subjection, Kaepernick had no intention of demonstrating any of those.  It was a protest statement.  In the process, he showed disrespect to the men and women who have bravely and valiantly served this nation in the armed forces, to the republic for which the flag stands as one nation, under God, and is indivisible, as well as to my fellow brothers and sisters who dutifully and honorably strap on a gun and pin on a badge each day of the week.  He started a rift in a nation that was supposed to be united and indivisible.  If he and others cannot pledge their allegiance to this nation by taking a back seat to their own agendas, and stand in unity with others for the few minutes of a song, then just exactly to what do they pledge their allegiance?  

This is not to say that there are not problems.  This is not saying that there are no injustices.  This is not saying that there are police who need to be reined in.  There are problems, injustices, and police who need reined in.  Also, just because our “system” here in the United States is better than anywhere else in the world (in my humble opinion) it does not mean that it cannot be better.

I note with a certain amount of interest that when traveling to a foreign nation, when that nation’s anthem is played, you stand out of respect for that nation, its people, and their government.  One does not engage in salutatory gestures, but you stand as a sign of respect as a guest to the host.  It does not mean that you agree with that form of government.

Do “people of color” think they are the only ones who have run-ins with the police?  Are they the only ones who feel singled out?  Are they the only ones who feel their civil rights have been violated?  Are they they only ones who feel intimidated when a police officer walks up to their car on a traffic stop, while the officer has hands on the pistol grip?  Are they the only ones who feel singled out, seemingly without justification, for a temporary detention, a pat-down, or even a full-blown search?  Well, no.  Don’t tell me that the system is rife with corruption because you don’t have a clue what you are talking about.

I have repeatedly stated that I would not go back into law enforcement again for anything.  Things have changed, especially within the last decade.  It has been open season on police, especially in the past five years.  I would like to think that I was fairly easy-going as a police officer over two decades ago.  If I was on the street today you can best believe I would wear body armor and have my hand on my weapon as I approached a car, especially at night when I have absolutely no idea as to who is in the car.  I wanted to go home at the end of my shift way back then and I can’t help but think that I would have that same goal today.

So, are there problems today?  You bet there are, and it isn’t just a systemic problem.  It’s also a people problem, and if I dare say, it’s an entitlement problem.

So, those of you who want to kneel during the National Anthem, go right on ahead.  Those of you who want to support that right, knock yourselves out.  You have your First Amendment right.  I also have my First Amendment right to say what you are doing is wrong and disrespectful on so many levels.  And I have a right to be offended.  Go ahead and publicly pronounce that we are not one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all, because when you do that you are saying is that you have stopped trying.  You are abdicating your responsibility to make this a better place.  To those who take a knee or lock arms, put your hands to work instead of putting your knees on the ground.  There are better ways to protest, and there are better things to accomplish other than protest.  Assume a little responsibility and make this country a better place for everyone.

As for me, I’ll remain steadfast and immovable with my fellow citizens who “get it” along with my brothers and sisters whose manner of dress include a badge and a gun or army khakis or camoes or navy white or marine blue or air force blue, and all the vets who sacrificed their comfort for a foxhole.  I will stand with pride and render my salute to our Title of Liberty in spite of the problems.

Free Speech is Not Free

Free Speech is Not Free

We in the United States of America enjoy the blessing of free speech, along with a few other First Amendment protections that include the freedom to peaceably assemble, the free exercise of religion (along with a guarantee that the government will not establish a religion), the right to petition for a governmental redress of grievances, and of course a protection from infringement on the freedom of the press.  These freedoms were guaranteed as a result of oppressive practices by British occupational forces.  It is not at all improbable that these protections were listed first as an in-your-face statement to the King of England.

A lot of freedoms are covered in that First Amendment to the United States Constitution.  However, I am not convinced that those freedoms are free.  To the contrary, I believe that each comes at a cost.  The following is a list of a few of my thoughts about those rights.

One.  A significant amount of blood was spilled on this continent to put those freedoms, those founding principles into effect.  We had a longstanding disagreement with Mother England over these guarantees that ultimately led to the American Revolution.  Even after independence was won, it was not exactly secure as succeeding battles were fought to show that we as a nation would stand our ground against British rule.  When the dust settled, Great Britain became our closest ally in conflicts that, if lost, would take those freedoms away.

Two.  The limits of these freedoms have been tested and tried multiple times at great cost within our own court system.  Those freedoms have been defined and refined and are held sacred.  The area of speech has been particularly tested and as a result we know that we cannot yell “fire” in a crowded theater and fighting words are not protected (see Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire, 1942) nor can we use slanderous words against another person.  (Chaplinsky has been watered down some and more narrowly defined, but the basic principles in that case still apply.)

Three.  Free speech applies to government protection.  While you are generally free to say what you want in the public arena, there is no guarantee that you will be free to say what you want in my home, in a private assembly, or for that matter on my Facebook Timeline.  A family may establish a rule against profanity within the walls of the home, a church may require speaking in hushed tones within its sacred sanctuaries, and you or I can delete comments we find offensive that are posted by someone else on our timelines.

Four.  There are limits on speech in the public schools.  For example, school administrators may control what is advertised on bulletin boards and may direct that certain clothing be worn or not worn.  For example, school administrators may direct that T-shirts with writing or pictures on them may not be worn.  This is partially due to a principle known as en loco parentis, a concept that says that schools act in the stead or place of parents while the child is at school. Many of the limitations on speech are extended to private universities, not because of en loco parentis, but because of the nature of the institution.

Five.  Certain obscenity laws are consistently upheld as constitutional, in particular as these laws pertain to child pornography.

For many years police could arrest people for uttering the f-word in their presence or referring to them with that term or a term that would relate to the officer’s parentage.  Unfortunately, this is no longer the case.  Police are supposed to be able to take the heat.  I still wouldn’t recommend showing this kind of disrespect in some parts of the country.  “Curbside Justice” still rules in some jurisdictions.  There are exceptions to this general rule, but those are rare as is evidenced by the prolific use of that language in public.

Six.  Perhaps the greatest cost of free speech is the consequences of the exercise of that speech.  While we may be free to say what we wish, we are never free of its civil and social consequences.  Indeed, you may shout fire in the crowded theater, but you will be arrested.  If someone is maimed or killed in the panic that follows other prosecution may result.  Threatening the life of the President of the United States is a specific federal crime.  Additionally, there are social consequences.  Overt actions toward the commission of a crime such as battery will serve as grounds for arrest.  Saying something controversial or inflammatory may not lead to arrest, buy most likely will lead to criticism, verbal attack, and even shunning.  It may lead to exclusion to employment, reprimand and termination from employment, lack of invitations to participate in social events, and exclusion in certain social circles.  In sum, it can lead a person to feeling very alone, even ostracized.  While a person is free to speak out on any given topic, that person will never be free from the way others feel about that person.

Closely related to the freedom of speech is the freedom to peaceably assemble.  There are restrictions on assembly.  For example, anti-abortionists are free to picket abortion clinics, but cannot block the entry of others into that clinic nor can they destroy property.  Klansmen cannot interrupt the worship services of a black congregation.  Protestors cannot riot, break business windows, destroy private property, light buildings and cars on fire, jump up and down on police cars, block traffic, tear down statues and monuments, throw rocks at police or the focus of a protest and so forth, though it appears that protestors these days are able to get away with it.

The point is that referring to the First Amendment as freedom of speech may be a misnomer and misleading as there are indeed costs associated with speech and speaking freely may well land a person in civil and social trouble.  For those who don’t care, I suppose it doesn’t matter.

A Little About Me

I feel compelled to explain to you a little about me.  This is not a big reveal, but may put into context who I am, where I am in life, and maybe even the reasons for the things I say and do.

My parents came from small coal mining and farming communities in southwest central Indiana.  Mom graduated from high school with honors.  Dad has pretty much kept his high school record to himself.  If I am a reflection of his high school achievement I can understand why.  I know he was shy.  Both were Depression Era poor, but since they lived on farms and had work, they were better off than most during that period of time.

After high school, like so many of the Greatest Generation, Dad joined the Army prior to the United States full involvement in World War II.  He was in the Signal Corps, received the Purple Heart, and was honorably discharged as a sergeant.  Following the war in Europe he returned home on leave and married my mother before his departure to the South Pacific.  However, the war ended with Japan before he shipped out and he was then discharged.

Mom took on jobs with J.C. Penny and later at Sears and Roebuck, where she worked in their catalog department.  Dad first went to work at Camp Benjamin Harrison as a civilian attached to payroll and the VA Office.  They lived in a small apartment in Indianapolis and subsided on five-cent hamburgers from White Castle.  They were poor.

In time Dad took a job with the Chevrolet Truck Division where he worked until his retirement in 1975.  Mom did clerical work for Danner Brothers, a five and dime store chain in Indiana, and later with Huber, Hunt and Nichols, a large construction company, where she did clerical work there as well.

I was the oldest of three children.  A brother was born who lived less than a week.  My baby sister died at the age of two following surgery to correct a congenital heart defect.  Their world was devastated with the loss of both children.

I grew up eating ham and bean soup with cornbread and potato soup.  Dad worked part-time as a janitor in a doctor’s office to help pay off mounting medical bills.  Dad bought our first brand new assembly line car in 1960, a 1960 Chevrolet Biscayne.  A Biscayne was the lowest entry level vehicle into the Chevrolet family of cars.

Most people buy a home already constructed.  Many enter into 30-year mortgages and anchor themselves to payments for what may seem an eternity.  Those with a little better cash flow contract out the building of their homes.  Both Mom and Dad wanted a new home in a good area away from the influences of the city.  Dad purchased a parcel of land in White River Township in Johnson County, Indiana, where he built a three bedroom, single bath house by himself with occasional help from Mom and two brothers-in-law.  The plans for the single-story ranch style house came from a magazine.  While he built the house, we lived in trailer that today would be considered too small as a camping trailer.  It had a single bedroom for my parents and a fold-down couch for my bed.  The gas heater worked on occasion.

Though Mom worked at Sears at the time and had access to nice discounts, she hand-sewed many of my clothes in order to save money.

In short, as the saying goes, a penny never passed through my parents’ fingers without it crying for mercy.

My dad figured that when I graduated from high school that I would take a job with him at the factory or perhaps with my uncle on the railroad.  With my high school grades the way they were there was never hope for a scholarship.  I have a copy of my high school transcript and I wonder each time I look at it how I actually managed to graduate.  It was only natural for my father to conclude that I would join him on the assembly line…if I could get smart enough to find the front door.  I chose otherwise.

My life has been all about choices.  Some choices had to be made between the head and the heart.  Knowing the full well the consequences of those choices I often chose the heart first and returned to the heart later.

We have never been financially rich.  I could have gone to law school, but I chose another track.  We could have stopped having children after the first or second or third child, but we chose five.  I have been unemployed.  We have been penniless.  We were so poor that I did my own auto repair work on our kitchen table.  I built our first sofa, which promptly broke when three friends sat on it.  I was embarrassed to tears.  We ate a lot of tuna casserole.  If I never see another tuna casserole again in my life it will be too soon.  There were times when we did not know where the next meal would come from or how we would pay the next bill.  When I once got a hundred dollar a year raise I rejoiced with thankfulness and humility.

While this passed through our lives we looked for opportunities to change our situation a little at a time.  That was all we could afford.  Susan came from a large family and also learned early in life the value of a dollar.  We both applied the lessons learned from our parents.  There were two lessons in particular we learned.  First, don’t spend more than you earn and second, do not go into debt except for a house and maybe a car and possibly an education.  The second lesson was very much contingent upon the first lesson.

I returned to school and finished my undergraduate degree on the 14-year plan and debt free.  I should mention here that my first two years of college were as spectacular as my high school career.  I changed after that and graduated with my B.A. with honors and then graduated with a 4.0 in my graduate education.  I took on part-time work, overtime, and prepared to qualify for advancements.  Penny by penny we saved every dollar we could.  Those dollars frequently went to pay children’s medical bills, new tires, batteries, alternators, and such for the junk heaps we drove, and an occasional expedition to McDonald’s.  Like our parents, a penny never passed through our fingers without it crying for mercy.

So much of our lives are the consequence of circumstances.  We sometimes live in the wrong place, find ourselves trapped in a never-ending cycle of unfortunate tragedies and bad friends who take advantage of us, or ill health.  To suggest that our lives are controlled by our choices is an oversimplification.  The reality is that there are millions of people who are in poverty and will never get out no matter how hard they try.  Education is not the only answer.  I firmly believe, however, that we can all improve our lives.

We have tried to be frugal while at the same time sharing what we have with others.  Case in point, we did not buy our first home until we had been married over 25 years.  We saved and saved until we could make a substantial down payment so we could handle the monthly mortgage payments without abandoning other financial and personal commitments.  We will drive on a vacation rather than fly if we can save a hundred dollars by doing so.  Besides, we like the scenery much better at ground level than we do at 30,000 feet.

As far as careers go, I never made a whole lot of money.  We had sufficient for our needs.  What may have looked like pampering to others came as a result of years of saving, sacrificing, planning, and preparing.  We’ve been blessed by good health, honest friends, and many favorable circumstances, but after learning the hard lesson of what debt can do to a person, we avoided it at all costs.  Like my father before me, I buy low-end new cars and save money for years and years to buy a new living room suit.  (I’ve lost count of all the used clunkers we have owned.)  We are not wealthy.  We chose a different path.  We have sufficient for our needs and occasionally we have sufficient to share.

So, if you look at us and see financial wealth, don’t. What we have came at a painful price.  If you look at us and see poor circumstances, don’t.  We have sufficient for our needs and it also came at a painful price.

The wealth we have does not come with a price tag.